WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.