[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.