What did this chicken ever do to them?? πππ
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now weβre being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver π
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
wow itβs a good thing this mug says βCOFFEEβ on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
you have three unread messages
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: thatβs my bandaid
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
For Halloween Iβm just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”