What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
馃ぃ I’ve got a million of them.
馃 Who threw that shoe?
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Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn鈥檛 even know it.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Would you wear it?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Sure it鈥檚 cold, but I鈥檓 not going to break a sweat over it.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 馃槀
I鈥檓 doing the lords work (judging)
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
checking out some reviews of my local library
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.