What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
choose your fighter
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW