Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
You Might Also Like
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Only short people can save us
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Maths meets science
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.