Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
do a studio ghibli of both sides of your credit card. i want to see something.
You call them expiration dates.
I call them spoiler alerts.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit