When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.