When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
my nickname in college
What happened to the other hiker??!
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?