When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Seas the day!!!!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.