when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
won’t smith
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd