Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.