Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?