Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.