You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. πππ
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighborβs.
*reads recipe and sees βraisinsβ
Well, thatβs not going to happen.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Algorithms arenβt omniscient, theyβre more like aunties buying presents. βI saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, theyβre both sports!β βYou live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because theyβre both cities?β
I need a headline like this
Welcome to your 40βs. Youβll be mad if a neighbor doesnβt mow their lawn.
14: Mom, youβre like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So weβre like 10 years apart.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I was gonna say βthat’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heardβ but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Love is in the air fryer.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”