Is fake venison called venisn’t
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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
What
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.