¯_(ツ)_/¯
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Important
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Do not levitate over flowers
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.