Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
figuring out my emotional availability:
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup