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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
getting groceries
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.