❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Still cracks me up
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.