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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”