🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
*bites zombie*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
what
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”