🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Finally a use for spoilers…
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead