📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Worst perfume name ever.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.