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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.