😂💯
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Why is everyone getting married at me
This has made my week.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.