Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.