“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out