馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You鈥檙e telling me this life crisis is mid
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Christmas decor isn鈥檛 meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
He鈥檚 a 10 but so is his volume.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i鈥檓 good but i don鈥檛 know that i could compete with other divas
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
receptionist: you鈥檙e too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he鈥檚 good
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee