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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
#gardening
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil