馃槅
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it鈥檚 okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I鈥檓 47.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I鈥檒l take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
鈥ook at it
鈥mell it
鈥ub the top
鈥all off it if I stand on it
鈥pin the wheels with my fingers
鈥ell it
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I鈥檓 easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority