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People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from momβs spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I need a headline like this
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I donβt always have time to call people back but when I do I donβt.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Letβs cut to the chase babe. Iβve only got a few DMs left.
I donβt follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
inventor of murder: Iβm going to make a killing
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying βtoc!β. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*has no idea what a book even is*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. πππ¦
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Daveβs not here man