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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms š§¹
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
This is the one
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Because I didnāt know any better, I always sang ābowels of hollyā as a kid.
Donāt send me back to bed if you donāt want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Donāt mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, howeverā¦
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Thereās no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
If you werenāt supposed to stab people then they wouldnāt have been made so squishy.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I donāt mean to brag, but Iām pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery Iāve done, Iām a doctor now.
Anyone elseās grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
āā¦just donāt tell your mother.ā
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked āwhen is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?ā
[Husbandās Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented