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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Anime is real
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.