😲 WTF? 😆
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Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
the council will decide your fate
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The first one, obviously
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me