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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.