🤔😂😂
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how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING