馃ぃ
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me: I love peanuts but can鈥檛 be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I鈥檒l be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it鈥檚 the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you鈥檝e liked flowers. Perhaps you鈥檇 like these other flowers
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Sorry if I鈥檓 a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?