🤣dope
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.