🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.