馃檮馃槒馃槀馃ぃ
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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Mario: you鈥檙e a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i鈥檓 gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don鈥檛 worry i鈥檒l jump off before I get hurt.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I鈥檓 never using a fork again.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she鈥檚 seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you鈥檒l be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Erm I’m gonna say no
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Person drinking Smart Water: It鈥檚 like I鈥檓 being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We鈥檙e so much alike.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Parenting sometimes feels like you鈥檙e an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.