I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
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Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
lol
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono