I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
That’s amazing.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids