A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.