Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
They also CAN sing✌️
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything