If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes