science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
When someone trying to leave me
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio