i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
You Might Also Like
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I think they could have phrased this better
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Matt Goss
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”