My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You Might Also Like
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question