George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
was Jim off killing horses or…
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.